Back to School Without Parental Burnout: Support for Parents of Autistic, ADHD, Gifted, and Other Neurodivergent Kids
Neurodiversity in Schools: Providing Support for Autistic, ADHD, 2e, and other Neurodivergent Kids without Parent Burnout
The return to school can be a rough time for any family, but for parents of neurodivergent kids such as autistic, 2e, PDA, gifted, ADHD, AuDHD, or other differently wired kids, the challenges can feel especially overwhelming. Transitions are often difficult for children trying to adjust to new routines and for the parents who guide them through it all. As exciting as new beginnings may be, the disruption of familiar routines and the uncertainty of school environments, expectations, or personalities can trigger anxiety, or leave kids without the support they need to succeed at school. This can lead to stressful experiences for both children and parents. Parents may find themselves caught between trying to meet their children’s needs and their own exhaustion.
Neurodivergence and School Stress: Adding to Parental Demands
For many neurodivergent children, school is a source of stress rather than a safe, affirming environment. Autistic, ADHD, gifted, 2E, AuDHD, or otherwise neurodivergent kids may feel overwhelmed by the sensory overload, academic demands, or social interactions that come with the school day. When children return home after feeling out of place, under-supported, or overstimulated at school, they often bring these struggles home, setting the stage for meltdowns, exhaustion, and emotional overload. Parents, in turn, become the first responders, trying to soothe, support, and stabilize their child’s emotions; meet the needs of others in the home; and manage their own stress and needs throughout the process. The cumulative effect can leave mothers, fathers, or other carers depleted as they try to restore balance for both their children and the household, making it all too easy to slip into parental burnout.
Balancing Parenting Demands with Resources to Prevent Parent Burnout
As a therapist for parents of neurodivergent kids, I often emphasize the importance of maintaining balance between stressors and supports as a way to prevent burnout. Parental burnout happens when the demands placed on parents chronically and significantly exceed the resources they have to cope. When the impact of school adds to demands, it’s vital to intentionally expand support systems and resources for parents as well as for children in order to prevent parent burnout as well as neurodivergent or autistic burnout. Whether that means that parents seek professional guidance, lean on a community of understanding peers, or make space for meaningful self-care, taking these steps early can prevent parental burnout and protect both your well-being and your child’s.
In the two-part, Back to School Without Burnout series, I’ll first focus on strategies for helping your neurodivergent child maintain balance during the back-to-school period. Part two dives deeper into how parents of neurodivergent kids can protect themselves from burnout and stay in balance as they guide their children through this challenging time.
Taking Stock of Stressors and Resources During the Transition Back to School
As mentioned in Part One of the Back to School Without Burnout Series, the transition to the new school year can create significant stress for neurodivergent children as they adapt to different schedules and face sensory, social, academic, and other demands that may be difficult or impossible for them to take in stride. Without adequate support, these increased stressors often lead to emotional and behavioral dysregulation at school, at home, or in the community. Since parents are often the primary supports and advocates for their children, these school-related challenges for your child or children will likely turn up the volume on your stress. This is one of the many reasons why parents of neurodivergent kids are at increased risk for parent burnout.
With this in mind, it’s essential for parents to take a proactive approach to better support their own needs to keep their stress and resources in balance while they help their kids stay afloat at school during this period of adjustment or heightened demands. Whether you are supporting an autistic child in mainstream school, an ADHDer in a therapeutic day school placement, or a twice-exceptional or gifted child at a private school, you can help keep things in balance and safeguard yourself against neurodivergent parent burnout by intentionally decreasing stressors and expanding available supports and resources.
As a therapist for parents of neurodivergent kids struggling with parental burnout, I know the importance of this shift as well as how difficult it can be. It can be a heavy lift to make changes and dial into additional supports for yourself when you are already trying so hard as a parent and feeling depleted. Starting wherever you are and moving forward with little shifts and incremental progress can be a powerful path out of parental burnout. I encourage parents to explore and consider the following suggestions; keeping in mind that even small changes can add up to make a big difference in the battle against neurodivergent parent burnout.
Rethink Expectations to Maintain Balance and Avoid Parental Burnout
When it comes to supporting your neurodivergent child through the back-to-school transition, one of the most critical shifts is rethinking expectations; both for your child and for yourself. It's natural to fall into patterns of self-criticism, judgment, or blame when you or your child are not able to meet expectations that you hold or that others have imposed. However, practicing self-compassion and flexibility is key to helping prevent parental burnout. Understand that it’s not about doing everything perfectly; it’s about doing what you can with the energy and resources you have. Research shows that parents who hold themselves to unreasonably high standards are more prone to burnout than those who adopt a more compassionate, realistic approach (1).
Letting go of rigid expectations doesn't mean you are abandoning your standards. It means you are being kind to yourself and recognizing that perfection is not only unattainable but unnecessary. Embrace a mindset of “good enough for now” parenting, where you acknowledge that you’re doing your best with the resources you have at the moment, and that your are striving to parent the child who you have rather than holding them to expectations that do not make sense for them. The challenges you face now may not last forever, and these temporary adaptations can help you pace yourself to be a more effective parent in the long-run while supporting your child’s growth at their rate and in alignment with their neurotype. Moreover, being flexible to maintain balance in response to changing needs and circumstances supports resilience rather than setting the stage for burnout.
In an effort to embrace more appropriate expectations for yourself and your family, it is helpful to try to avoid comparisons to other parents or children who may have different challenges or access to different resources. Comparing your neurodivergent child’s progress to their neurotypical peers, siblings, or relatives or judging yourself against parents without neurodivergent kids, only adds unnecessary pressure that can fuel burnout. Every family is different. Practice questioning or letting go of the notion that you or your child have to fit a certain mold in order to be happy or successful.
Prioritize What Truly Matters: Drop Non-Essential and Unrealistic Demands
As a parent of a neurodivergent child, one of the most powerful strategies for managing burnout is to focus on what truly matters. It’s easy to get caught up in an overwhelming list of daily tasks and commitments, but not all of them are essential. When stress is running high, take a step back and think about what’s most important for your family’s well-being right now. Often, the core priorities come down to physical and emotional safety, a sense of value and connection, and basic needs like food and rest.
Once you identify these essentials, you can let go of non-essential demands that might be adding unnecessary pressure or taking away from your ability to address these core priorities. This might mean saying no to extra activities, school functions, or even well-meaning family requests that don’t contribute to your family’s well-being. It's okay to prioritize the present moment and make choices that keep life as simple as possible. Remember, you don’t have to do everything, especially during stressful transitions.
Simplification can also apply to the tasks you need to keep. Take mealtime as an example: although feeding your child is essential, it’s not essential that every meal is well-balanced or cooked from scratch; that everyone in the family eats the same meal; or that everyone eats together at the same time or makes conversation around the kitchen table. If throwing a frozen pizza in the oven, eating separately, or watching TV during mealtime lowers your demands on a given day or during a stressful phase as your family juggles the added demands of the school year, it’s a perfectly valid choice. Small adjustments like these help you conserve your energy and protect against burnout.
Recharge Your Own Battery and Support Your Needs to Prevent Autistic Parent Burnout or ADHD Parent Burnout
With your child back at school, the rhythm of your day changes, opening up opportunities for you to focus on yourself. Even if it’s just a sliver of time, these moments can be vital in preventing parental burnout. Many parents of neurodivergent children experience burnout in part because they are constantly in "go mode." Their nervous systems are often activated; trying to detect, prevent, or solve problems and meltdowns. By taking this time to support your nervous system and recharge, you allow yourself space to breathe and recover, even if only for a short while. Nervous system rest and recovery is a crucial to preventing or healing from burnout.
Support Sensory Needs and Regulate Your Nervous System
There is no right way to recharge, so think about what you need to feel more regulated within your body, your home, and your life. If your sensory system is overwhelmed by the intensity of the sounds, movement, or energy in the household, spending time with limited stimulus may give your body a welcomed break. Taking a stress-free shower or sipping your morning tea in peace once the kids have boarded the bus may help reset your system as you prepare for the rest of your day. Spending even a few moments outside, whether it’s a walk around the block or simply sitting on your porch with the dog before heading off to work, can also be refreshing for your senses.
Social Support and Connection to Reduce Feelings of Loneliness or Isolation
If you crave connection, consider meeting a friend for coffee or hopping on a phone call with someone who gets it. Building a community of support with other parents of neurodivergent kids locally or online, or finding an affirming therapist for parents of neurodivergent kids can be other ways to plug into meaningful social support. If you have a younger child still at home, sharing precious one-on-one time may feel especially gratifying.
Physical, Emotional, and Mental Health Care: Essential for Resilience in the Face of Burnout
Nourishing yourself might look like a restful power nap or energy-charged powerlifting at the gym. If you're feeling mentally cluttered, take just 30 minutes to knock something off your to-do list; just enough to feel like you’ve lightened your mental load. A few minutes of relaxation or productivity can reduce the mental clutter that contributes to burnout. Whatever you choose, remember that these small moments are necessary fuel to help you stay in balance throughout times of greater stress. They are also opportunities to show yourself compassion and send yourself and others the message that you matter and that your needs are worthy of time and energy. By taking this time to recharge, you not only support your own well-being but also lower your risk for parent burnout. You may also discover that by carving out moments to support your needs, you set yourself up to be more present for your child when they come home, and better regulated in your parenting interactions with them.
Expanding Parental Support to Protect Against Neurodivergent Parent Burnout
The back-to-school transition is a season of change, not only for your child but also for you. It is important to support the evolving demands by increasing access to resources to meet their needs and yours. Creating space for your own needs, while essential, can feel difficult to maintain when stress levels rise. But remember, the moments you carve out to care for yourself allow you to show up more fully and with greater resilience in your parenting. It’s not about striving for perfection, but about keeping your battery charged so that you’re not running on empty or veering toward neurodivergent parent burnout. Whether it’s taking moments to recharge or lightening your load by releasing non-essential tasks, each choice builds toward a more balanced and sustainable routine. As you navigate these transitions, remember that there are ways to access additional support to protect your well-being. Therapy, online communities, and classes focused on preventing parental burnout can provide the reinforcement you need during these times.
Therapy Support and Online Classes for Neurodivergent Parent Burnout
At Shore Therapy, I specialize in therapy for burnout, anxiety, trauma and PTSD using treatment approaches such as such as EMDR therapy and IFS-informed parts work. My practice is inclusive of all genders and neurotypes, and I work extensively with the LGBTQIA+ community, neurodivergent adults, and parents of neurodivergent children. I offer therapy both in-person in Evanston, for people in Chicago and throughout the North Shore, as well as therapy online in more than 40 states as a PSYPACT therapist. As a certified EMDR therapist, I am proud to also offer EMDR therapy online. If you’re interested in learning more about me or about how we can work together, please see answers to the most frequently asked questions or contact me for a complimentary 15-minute consultation call.
I recognize that I have limited availability and that therapy with me or with another neurodiversity-affirming therapist may not always be an option for various reasons. Support is also available through Shore Therapy’s online courses for parents, designed to help manage the challenges of raising neurodivergent kids while reducing the risk of neurodivergent parent burnout. These on-demand classes make affirming help available to you on a schedule that works for you and are open to parents of neurodivergent kids worldwide.
Lin, G. X., Szczygieł, D., Hansotte, L., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2023). Aiming to be perfect parents increases the risk of parental burnout, but emotional competence mitigates it. Current Psychology, 42(2), 1362-1370.
