Parenting on Empty: Identifying the 4 Critical Signs of Parental Burnout
What Does Parent Burnout Feel Like?
Imagine waking up each morning feeling as though you're dragging yourself out of bed, dreading the day ahead, and questioning whether you have the strength to face it all over again. This is the reality for many parents battling parental burnout.
While parenting can bring moments of immense joy, it can also bring an unparalleled level of stress and exhaustion. Parental burnout isn't a sign of weakness or incompetence; it's a natural response to the relentless demands of parenting; which can be magnified by trying to parent young children or children with higher support needs; balancing parenting with job demands; or parenting with inadequate supports or resources.
Despite its prevalence, parental burnout often remains shrouded in stigma and misconception. By shining a light on the critical warning signs of parental burnout, we can empower parents to recognize when they're teetering on the edge and provide them with the support and resources they need to reclaim their well-being and revitalize their parenting journey.
What is Parent Burnout?
Parental burnout, or caregiver burnout, is when the demands of parenting become too much to handle, leaving you feeling drained and depleted. It's like carrying a heavy load all the time, and eventually, it wears you down until you feel like you have nothing left to give. It's important to understand that parental burnout isn't because the children are bad or that their needs are unreasonable. Rather, it arises when the combined pressures of parenting, life circumstances, and a lack of support exceed a parent's ability to cope effectively. Unlike typical parenting stress, parental burnout represents a significant and extended imbalance between parenting demands and the resources available to meet those demands.
Left unaddressed, parental burnout can contribute to physical symptoms such as headaches, sleep disturbance, panic attacks, and illness; or emotional symptoms such as feeling numb, overwhelmed, shut down, and fantasizing about escaping from your life. Parents trying to cope with the physical and emotional pain of burnout can turn to numbing behaviors or distractions such as overuse of social media, isolation, and substance use.
Parental burnout isn't a reflection of a parent’s love for their children. Oftentimes, people experiencing parental burnout are very dedicated and caring parents who greatly value their children and their role as parents. In fact, parents with high standards for their parenting practices are at greater risk for parent burnout than parents who put less pressure on their parenting. Because of this, it can be especially confusing when grappling with feelings, thoughts, or behaviors that seem at odds with the image of the caring and connected parent they strive to be. This internal conflict can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt as well as attempts to cover up parental struggles rather than seeking out the help that is needed.
It’s important to be able to identify parent burnout in yourself and in others so that shame can be reduced and help can be accessed. Prevention is possible, and healing from burnout can result in significant improvements for parents and for families. For this reason, being able to recognize the four key signs of parent burnout is an important skill for parents and therapists alike.
The Four Essential Signs of Burnout:
Intense Physical and Emotional Exhaustion from Parenting
Parenting is a demanding role that requires endless patience, energy, and emotional resilience, often leaving parents feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. Consider the daily grind of parenting: waking up early to care for children or get the kids ready for school, rushing to work, attending to household chores, and managing the endless needs of children including schedules and school demands. Add in the emotional labor of soothing tantrums, mediating sibling conflicts, peer relationships, and providing emotional support, and it's no wonder parents often find themselves feeling physically and emotionally depleted.
This state of intense physical and emotional exhaustion is not only undesirable but also detrimental to parents' well-being and their ability to care for their children effectively. When the intensity of parenting demands are not balanced with adequate support resources or sufficient time to recharge, this can contribute to parent burnout over time.
Physically, exhaustion can manifest as chronic fatigue, muscle tension, and disrupted sleep patterns, leaving parents feeling depleted and run down. Emotionally, exhaustion can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and disconnection from oneself and others. Moreover, when parents are operating on empty, their capacity to meet the emotional and developmental needs of their children may be compromised, potentially impacting their children’s overall growth and well-being.
2. Emotional Distancing from Children
Parents often pour their hearts and souls into caring for their children, but when the weight of parental demands becomes too much to bear, they may start to emotionally withdraw from the very ones they love most. Picture this scenario: you're physically present, but mentally and emotionally, you feel distant and detached from your children. You go through the motions of parenting, but it's like you're operating on autopilot, your mind elsewhere, and your heart numb. This emotional distancing can manifest in statements like, "I'm just going through the motions," or "I feel like a robot."
In an attempt to conserve the little energy they have left, exhausted parents may detach themselves emotionally from their children. It's a defense mechanism, a way of protecting themselves from the overwhelming demands of parenting when they feel like they have nothing left to give, and the physical and emotional exhaustion is too painful. This distancing is another indicator that a parent is experiencing burnout.
Although emotional distancing may be understandable as a protective measure that may provide temporary relief, emotional distancing from children is far from desirable. Not only does it deprive children of the love and connection they need to thrive, but it also perpetuates a cycle of disconnection within families. Left unaddressed, this emotional detachment can have lasting consequences, eroding the parent-child bond and sowing seeds of resentment, misunderstanding, and lack of connection within the family unit.
3. Loss of Fulfillment and Feelings of Being Fed Up with Parenting
When parents stop feeling an emotional connection to their children and begin to lose pleasure in parenting, they can start to become fed up with the responsibilities of parenting. Imagine cherishing your children deeply, but despite your love for them, feeling increasingly drained and disillusioned by the demands of being their parent. It's as if every day is filled with endless tasks and challenges, leaving you feeling exhausted and defeated. You may find yourself expressing sentiments like, "I really do love my children, but I'm fed up with being their parent," or "I don't want to be a parent anymore."
These feelings of being fed up can arise from a variety of factors, including chronic stress, lack of support, and a sense of inadequacy as a parent. Despite their love for their children, parents may struggle to find fulfillment in their role, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation from other parents whose positive parenting experiences seem unrelatable. Left unaddressed, these feelings can have serious repercussions, affecting both parents' well-being and their relationships with their children. It's essential for parents to acknowledge and seek support for these emotions, as addressing parent burnout and its related feelings can lead to a renewed sense of purpose and fulfillment in their role as parents.
4. These Thoughts and Feelings are a Contrast to the Previous Identity as a Parent
For burned-out parents, the realization that they no longer recognize themselves in the role of the parent they once aspired to be can be deeply distressing. It's as if they've lost their connection to who they are as a parent, leading to feelings of confusion, despair, or even resignation. They may find themselves making statements like, "I feel like I've lost my way as a parent," or "This isn't who I thought I would be as a parent."
This profound shift in identity can have far-reaching emotional impacts on both parents and children. For parents, it can evoke feelings of shame, sadness, and a desire to further distance themselves from the pain of this newfound reality. For children, it can be unsettling and distressing to witness their parents struggling with their role as caregivers. This loss of identity may be especially traumatic for parents who have always placed great value on their role as parents and held themselves to high standards, or for those who experienced their own challenging relationships with their parents when they were children. The sense of failure and disappointment in themselves may compound their feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. It's crucial for burned-out parents to confront and address these feelings, seeking support and resources to help them navigate through burnout and rediscover their sense of who they are as parents in alignment with their values.
How to Heal from Parental Burnout
Understanding the four key signs of parental burnout is essential for parents to recognize when they need support and intervention. Parental burnout is not merely a passing phase of exhaustion; it's a serious condition that can have profound effects on the well-being of parents and children, and on their relationships with one another.
By understanding the causes of parent burnout, acknowledging the signs of burnout, and seeking help when needed, parents can take proactive steps to address the underlying issues within themselves and their family dynamics. They can learn to cultivate a healthier, more sustainable approach to parenting that nurtures both their own well-being and that of their children; allowing them to reclaim a sense of balance, effectiveness, and enjoyment in their role as caregivers. Specialized education and therapy tailored to address the unique challenges of parental burnout can provide invaluable support and guidance on the journey toward healing and recovery.
Burnout Therapy for Parents and Parent Burnout Classes and Support Online
At Shore Therapy, I’m dedicated to offering a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive environment where you can explore and process your parenting experiences and related challenges. My aim is to offer high-quality, accessible parent burnout education online as well as in-office or online therapy that promotes growth and healing tailored to your unique needs.
Whether you're a parent struggling with burnout, a member of a marginalized community seeking affirmative therapy, someone dealing with trauma or PTSD that is contributing to your challenges, or all of the above, contact me to see how I may be able to support you. I utilize cutting-edge, evidence-based therapies such as EMDR therapy and depth work such as IFS-informed parts work to explore and re-wire mind-body connections and bring about meaningful and lasting changes.
I understand the importance of accessibility, which is why I offer online therapy services for individuals across over 35 states in the United States, and online learning classes that are available worldwide. Whether you're near my Evanston office or in a different part of the country, you can access my services in the office or from the comfort of your own home.
If you're interested in exploring how therapy can support you on your journey to healing, please reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I look forward to the opportunity to work with you and help you thrive.
